Saying Goodbye

Today.. I had to do something I haven't done in a long time.

The news hit me like a wave, and I was unable to comprehend let alone let it sink in. It was this past Friday I found out she died, Jane. I remember I had to DJ then, but I was too focused just to get through the day to not think about it. Subconsciously though I think it has been eating at me. I've been irrational and emotional during the day and drunk at night the past two days. It was today I finally had to face it all.

I'll give you all some background. My first couple years in the USA were unbearable. I could barely speak English, I was bullied and overall felt very alone. Yet there was one classmate who took me in. Kyle was my best friend growing up..and his mother, Jane had become something like a surrogate. She was full of life, and had many "adopted" sons roaming her house. We weren't bad kids, but we were hard to understand and often got in trouble. Those years of my youth were less painful with that family, I had a friend who cared enough for me to let me be apart of his life.

Sadly once high school was over.. I was already transforming in that ugly person I often referred to myself as and we lost touch. There was a huge gap where I have not seen or spoken to my once good friend. I heard tidbits of news now and then and worried about him..but I never appreciated him enough. I never took time to see him when I should of, and I am sure he felt the same. We were once best friends who lost touch..and the reason was simply because our lives took us elsewhere. Course as time went on, the news of his mother became worse and worse. Jane's husband left her for her best friend..and then the spiral happened.

I feel mostly for my friend, who loved his family so much but had to watch as his mother give up on living. I am sad to say the woman who gave me so much to me and many others, could not find the will to fight on. She let her depression and sadness bring her into a state where she did not want help. She drank heavily, so much to where it eventually killed her. The doctors told her that most of  her liver was destroyed, and her kidneys were no longer working. We like to believe people die of old age, or health complications..but for Jane, it was her own sadness that eventually made her give up on life. She was a loving woman, she remained friends with the two people who betrayed her.. but I suppose we all knew deep down it was killing her slowly.  She had requested to be taken off the machines that fought to keep her living.  I could not make it to the hospital that day, but according to my friends who did go..she told them all she was "ready" to die..and she was happy.

I don't know what hurts more. Thinking of the inner turmoil she felt, or the fact she no longer had the will to live, despite of her children. Life hands us many challenges, and we all have a choice. We can either be so self absorbed and wrapped in our own sadness to let it get to us..or focus on those around us whom we want to continue living for. I still don't know how to form a solid opinion of this. Is it fair to make someone continue on because you don't want to let them go? Are they wrong for being so sad that they couldn't continue?

 Either way.. I had a lot of time to contemplate these things today. Finally seeing my old friend was both a shock and comfort and we embraced like long lost brothers. Time had change our appearance but not our feelings. Neither of us cried, but just continued to stroll around the grounds..one cigarette after the other, reminiscing our childhood. I think it was nice for both of us to laugh a little bit. I believe there will be no  funeral, instead we had a celebration of life..and as I wandered those beautiful seven acres I got to examine myself a little bit. Of course the conclusions I have come to, I will keep to myself. After all, this is not about me.

I hope where ever you are Jane, you are finally happy and at peace. I promise to be a better friend to your son, and I am sure one day we will meet again.

Love,

Yu.